Rondale

1.

I called him Rondale Green. Most vets, when they mentor a younger player, it’s that classic big brother / little brother dynamic. But Rondale Moore was never my Little Bro. It was something deeper than that. He got drafted by Arizona in 2021, the same offseason I signed there as a free agent — and his first two years in the league ended up being my last two. So for us, our relationship, it was almost this “NFL circle of life” type thing. I’d always joke with him about how he’s “Rondale Green, my third and oldest kid.” And looking back, that’s probably one of those jokes where it’s funny because it’s based in a feeling that’s true. Man, I swear….. sometimes he really did feel like my son. I hope he knew I really did love him that way. And I guess I just wanted to share a few thoughts with y’all, now that he’s gone.

2. 

When we drafted Rondale, I didn’t know much about him. But he was our second-round pick that year, and he’s about to be in the receivers room, so of course I had to do some research. My first impression, looking him up, I won’t lie: too small. I’m like, Damn…… he’s 5’7"??? With them short-ass arms??? Out of Purdue??? I was skeptical. I’m thinking, that’s a tiny player for such a high pick. But then I did the one thing that always made people understand Rondale: I watched the tape. 

I remember sitting down at my computer, putting on his college highlights — it was the most electric shit I’d ever seen. Straight up. It was just one play after another. And he wasn’t one of these gadget guys where they’re fast and that’s it. Rondale, he was quick. So damn explosive coming out of his breaks. Crisp routes, great hands. The total package. Then after I watched his highlights, I watched his workouts — he’s benching 300 pounds, he’s squatting 600 pounds. It’s crazy. And then finally, I checked out his bio. It’s saying he’s Academic All-Big Ten, and took all these extra hours of class so he could graduate in two and a half years. And I’m just sitting there like…. Who IS this dude???

3.

Our first training camp together, the first thing I noticed about Rondale was that he’s quiet — he’s closed off. Most rookies, they come in very social, and you can tell they’ve never really had a job before. So as a vet you’re trying to teach them how to be that “professional” level of serious. Rondale, he came in serious. He did his thing, put in a lot of work, and didn’t talk much. Some of our first real interactions came when he’d drop a pass in practice, then be too hard on himself after. And I’d just go over to him like, “Hey man, it’s only practice. You gotta let some things roll off of you in this league.” It was like in that one way (and only that one way), you almost wished Rondale could be more like those other rookies. You wished he could find that place in his head where it’s a little more carefree.

4. 

Eventually, Rondale opened up. It was later in his rookie season, after he got hurt a couple of times. I think those first few injuries you have to deal with as a young NFL player, even if they’re minor, it’s tough. I’ll be blunt: There’s no load-management in football. It’s just not that kind of environment. So when all of a sudden you’re missing work, and can’t do anything about it, that’s a vulnerable feeling. That’s a lonely feeling, especially for guys who are under pressure to do well so they can take care of their people. 

Rondale and I spoke on that a lot as the season went on. He started telling me about where he came from: New Albany, a small town in Indiana, as the youngest of four kids to a single mom. I learned about how he’d been an underdog from day one … how he was born five weeks too early, and had to be in intensive care out the gate, fighting for his life. I love stories like that — when you find out someone’s always been a certain way. In Rondale’s case, he was born tiny as hell and he was born strong as hell. And those two things never changed.

5. 

After we bonded near the end of our first year together, I’d say it was that offseason and then our second year when it really became a special relationship. That was the thing about Rondale: He kept his circle tight….. but once you got inside that circle, and gained his trust, he was one of the best people to be around. And he stopped being so quiet, too. 

Now I’d be getting texts from him nonstop, just asking me any questions he could think of on a given topic. So like, he would text me asking to help him pick out his new house. Then he’d ask me about decorating his new house. Then he’d send me the invoice he got for the bed linens he got for his new house, and ask me if they’re too expensive. And pretty soon I’m on the phone with him, FaceTiming, saying stuff like, “Stop buying these cheap-ass linens, Rondale!! You have a bit of money now, you can afford some real linens — this way you’re not having to change them out every week!!!” And I’d catch the sound of my own voice in those moments and I’d be like, Oh my God….. I know exactly who I sound like right now. I’m talking like MY parents. So that’s how “Rondale Green” got started. Just from Rondale asking me all of these questions, and me giving him all of this parental-type advice. 

6. 

Money came up a lot. Sometimes it would be in funny ways. He’d be like, “A.J. — what do you think about this Cartier bracelet for my girlfriend?” And I’d tell him, “Yeah man, I like that a lot. It’s a great gift, and it’s in your price range. Nice work.” Or he knew I followed the stock market, and had my portfolio, so he wanted to follow it and have his portfolio. And he’d text me like, “A.J. I’m down $80,000 in my stocks today, how much you down?” He was always begging me to let him see my portfolio. Haha. 

But then we also had money conversations that were more complex. We talked about the burden that comes with being the only one “from back home” with financial security … and how, because you’re a famous athlete, people probably think you’re more secure than you actually are. And that’s especially true in a sport like football, where it can all be taken from you in a heartbeat. So we’d talk about working through that guilt of saying no. How it’s good to feel empathy for those people who didn’t get the opportunity you did — and how it’s usually not their fault they’re in a position where your money is their best option. Being in that position sucks, and it’s important to recognize that it sucks. But you also have to balance it with looking out for yourself. And you have to figure out how to surround yourself with people who treat you as a human being, not as an ATM. Otherwise, that shit will crush your soul….. and I think Rondale struggled a lot with it. A lot of young Black athletes do.

7. 

Rondale was one of the first people I ever told I was going to retire. This was at the start of our second season together in Arizona — I’d decided in the offseason that it was going to be my last. So I told him ahead of Week 1 … but he wasn’t having it. He was like, “No way, man. You can still run, you can still go!” And I was like, “Nah, bro. I’m telling you. This is it for me.” 

So we play out that year, and then flash forward to Week 18 vs. San Francisco. My final game. First minute of the game, we call a trick play, I make a contested catch on a deep throw, and run it in the rest of the way for a 77-yard touchdown. So then I’m back on the sideline after, and I’m feeling good. I’m feeling pretty satisfied with myself. And I can’t wait to hear what Rondale has to say — I’m imagining he’s about to be like, A.J., you CAN’T retire!!!! You’re still that dude!! You’re still a problem!! Nooope. He makes his way over to me, and then he cracks this big grin. And he’s like, “Bro, oh my God. You looked so SLOW.” I say, “Alright, Rondale…… relax. I wasn’t that slow.” And he’s like, “No, I’m telling you. This is dead serious. That’s the slowest I’ve ever seen someone move in my life.” Hahahaha. Man. After that game, I gave him a big hug, and told him nothing is about to change between us — I’ll still be there anytime he needs me. I’m still his vet. He’s still Rondale Green.

8. 

Rondale played out his third year in Arizona, and we’d still be texting all the time. He’d text me after practice, or after a game (or at halftime of a game….), with the cut-up of the routes, and he’d ask what I’m seeing. What you think about this route? Or this one? You know I was wide open there, but they didn’t look my side. I think it was a very frustrating year for him — he was just never able to get it fully going with the Cardinals. So when he got traded to Atlanta that spring, I was thrilled for multiple reasons. One, I thought it would be this fresh start … and that the sky could be the limit for him with that fresh start. (To this day, I still don’t think anyone understood how high his potential was. I’d tell people all the time: “He could be Tyreek Hill.”) And then the second reason I was thrilled when Rondale got traded to Atlanta, it’s that I live in Atlanta. So it was about to be a Green family reunion. 

I remember a day or two after the trade, he FaceTimes me. I’m like, “How you doing?” He says, “A.J. — I’M IN ATLANTA AT THE AIRPORT. WHERE I NEED TO GO, MAN.” My guy is lost in the damn airport…. I’m laughing so hard. So of course I talk him through where to go, where to turn, when to head upstairs or downstairs, south side or north side. And it’s so funny but also made me really happy, just seeing how excited he was, how he had his shine back from his rookie year, with all this possibility in front of him. He was like, “A.J. I AIN’T NEVER SEEN AN AIRPORT THIS BIG. ALSO, THERE’S A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE HERE.” Now I’m almost crying laughing, and I’m like “Yeah, Rondale. A lot of Black people live in Atlanta.” And it’s just such a good memory for me, that moment. It was like, The Greens are back together…. We got this. He gonna be alright.

9. 

I was at the gym working out, probably with the TV on ESPN, when I saw it flash across the ticker that Rondale went down in training camp. I wasn’t too worried at that point — hopefully it’s just a camp injury, a hamstring or something. But then I see the word “non-contact.” SHIT. So I call him and ask what happened. He’s like, “I was running a normal bench route, boom boom, tried to stick…… and my leg just gave out.” Now I’m thinking it’s an ACL. No one wants to tear an ACL, but to be honest that’s not such a bad injury these days. Most guys rehab it and they come back the same. But then Rondale went in for tests, and I called the next day to check up on him. And he’s like, “Yeah…. nah. It’s my patella.” SHIT. It’s dead silence. Because we both know what that means without saying anything. That’s the Victor Cruz injury — he’s the first player I think of with a patella for some reason. It’s an injury that a lot of receivers are never the same after. And some don’t come back from at all.

10. 

I was devastated for Rondale, especially because I knew how hard he’d worked that summer, just getting himself ready for his chance to finally show out. After he got the news, we talked a lot those next few days, and it was a range of emotions for him. I think on one hand, he was still in good spirits. I’m young, it’s my first major injury, I’mma kill this rehab, I’ll be back next season. I think he still had a lot of optimism about his career. But then there’s another side of it he’d feel, in his more down moments. He’d be like, “A.J., why me??? I swear, I did everything right.” And those were tough conversations. Because when you think about it like that, it really doesn’t seem fair. 

In Rondale’s mind, he worked so hard … and then it’ll be the laziest guys who seemingly never get an injury like that. Or, he tried to be a good person … and then it’ll be a guy who did some awful shit off the field who seemingly never gets an injury like that. It’s impossible to make sense of. And what I’d tell him in those moments is, one, I feel his frustration. I feel his pain. But two, he has to understand that there’s more to being alive than playing football. I know that’s hard to accept when you’re young, and it’s hard to hear from a guy like me whose career “worked out,” but it’s true. Because the thing about football is: It will break your heart. Life will break your heart, too, sometimes — but at least there’s things in your control. Football, though? Football will break your heart most of the time.

11. 

Rondale rehabbed the whole season, and I was proud of how he attacked that process. Like I said, it had ups and downs. There were times when he questioned things. But overall he kept a positive energy, and I think by the end of it he really believed he was back to his old self. I’d get these videos from him where he’d literally just be bragging about his quads. He’d be like, “A.J., look out … I got my power back.” I loved hearing that. Then he got an offer from Minnesota, which also came with mixed feelings. I know he loved the coaches there, and loved the opportunity. But he was nervous about it being a split contract. A split is like a “prove it” deal … so you pretty much get half the base salary at the beginning of the season, then half at the end if you stay healthy. But I think Rondale understood that he did have to “prove it,” so he took the deal. And when he FaceTimed me from camp, it was all smiles. 

Then — in his first preseason game, on his first play back, while returning a punt — he got hurt again. When I saw, I almost threw up. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach as hard as they could. I called Rondale immediately, and he was already on the table in the locker room. I asked him, “What you think it is?” He didn’t hesitate: “Same thing.” I’m like, “How you know?” And he said, “I just know. Same thing.” You know when someone has something bad happen to them, and they get upset about it, and while you hate to see them upset, it’s also like — that’s actually probably healthy? It’s like, OK. At least they’re processing it. With Rondale after his second injury, what worried me is how he didn’t even seem upset about it. He was just kind of……. nonchalant, if that makes sense. Like he was there. But he wasn’t there.

12. 

For Rondale’s second rehab, I tried to keep our conversations away from football. I was like, “I don’t want to hear nothing about your rehab, I don’t want to hear nothing about your workouts. I only want to hear about you as a person. You eat a good meal? I wanna hear about that. You play a new video game? I wanna hear about that. You got a girlfriend? I wanna hear about that. But no football conversations right now.” 

And while I do think that helped a little, he really just had a different energy after his second injury — like he went to a lower, darker place. You could even hear it in his voice. There was give-up in it. He was rehabbing in Minnesota this time, and I was always offering for him to come back to Atlanta and rehab here instead and stay with us. But he’d tell me he was set up there and it was easier to stay. Then I’d offer to come up to Minnesota, but he’d tell me he’s good, or he’s got his cousin visiting soon, or something like that. Man … it’s a lot of regret when I think back on that stuff. I wish so damn bad I’d pushed more in those moments, and found a way to see Rondale in person. I don’t know if it would’ve changed anything, but I just wonder if it would’ve made it a little harder for him to tell me those half truths about how he is. And maybe we could have got at those full truths, the ones guys sometimes hide because they don’t know what else to do.

13. 

One moment I think back on a lot is around last Thanksgiving. I was in South Carolina with my family, when I get a FaceTime from Rondale. He’s telling me about an opportunity he may have. JaMarcus Shephard, the new head coach at Oregon State, is close with Rondale from when he was his receivers coach at Purdue. So once JaMarcus got the Oregon State job, he was asking to see if Rondale might have interest in being the receivers coach there. And Rondale was just like, “A.J.….. what I need to do?” I said, “Rondale. If I were you, I would take that job.” He says, “You would?” And I’m like, “Yeah. I know where your head is at right now, but I think this could  be the perfect chance for you to still be around the game, and not have to put your body through all this anymore. You can be a GREAT coach.” We ended up talking for almost three hours that night…. It’s no simple thing, having to answer the question as a football player of, Am I done??? It wasn’t simple for me at 34. So I can’t imagine what it was like for Rondale at 25. By the end of the conversation, though, I thought he might be having a breakthrough — like he might’ve found a way to move on from playing football, but with his head held high and where he’s still excited about things. I really thought he was going to say yes to JaMarcus. 

But then weeks go by, and I call him like, “You taking that job?” And he says, “Nah. I can’t. I’m gonna give it one more shot.” And I was just like….….GOLLY. I get why he felt he had to do it, I really do. But hearing that was tough. And thinking about it now, it’s hard not to envision this whole different future for him — like this parallel universe where it’s playing out like a movie. He becomes a receivers coach at Oregon State, then an offensive coordinator somewhere, then the head coach somewhere, then the head coach at better and better places, and he just keeps climbing that ladder til he’s on top of the world. I promise he would have done it, too. I wasn’t lying — Rondale would have been a GREAT ball coach. He was so smart, so good at relating to people, so curious about the right things, and so passionate about the game. So that’s almost this fantasy I have: Rondale took the job, and he’s living up in Oregon right now, probably getting ready for spring football, probably FaceTiming me about his dogs and the watch market and enjoying nature and shit. And he’s just..... happy.

14. 

About a week before Rondale passed, I was in Mexico with my family since my boys were on break. Rondale was in Louisville, finishing up the last part of his rehab. And he and I caught up on the phone. He was taking his family on vacation to Turks and Caicos soon, so I had sent him two hotels to look at. And first we were talking about that, and then he was just telling me about his next month. “Alright so I’mma take my family to Turks. Then I get cleared in 10 days. Then I’mma come to Atlanta for a couple of weeks, and work out with you and Kyle [Pitts].” I was like, “That sounds great.” Then the next day, he texts me about a Rolex. I text him back like, “Bro. You can get that much cheaper.” And I text him the Rolex with a better price. 

Those conversations were Thursday and Friday, and I got back the following Tuesday. And then it was that very next weekend, I’d just taken the dog out, I’m sitting on the couch watching college hoops — and I get a text from someone in football who’s friendly with both me and Rondale. And it only says, “I want you to know first before the news gets out. Rondale took his own life.” I call this dude right up and I’m like, “No way. No way that’s true. They must have the story mixed up.” And he says, “It’s confirmed. They found him in the garage.” And then before I can even process those words, suddenly I’m seeing posts all over social media. It’s these horrible details, it’s personal tributes, it’s players, it’s media, it’s fans … and I’m still in shock, trying to wrap my mind around it like — Wait. Hold on. What the hell just happened?

I kept thinking about all those times when there’d be crazy news about some athlete, and my phone would be blowing up. And I’d get a text from Rondale like, Yooooo are you seeing this with so and so?!? And for some reason, thinking about it that way is when it really started messing me up. Like: How can I be in a world right now where RONDALE is “so and so”??? And then the other thing I kept thinking about, honestly……. it’s how Rondale wanted a family of his own. He’d always ask me, like, “A.J. — how’s it feel to be a HUSBAND?” Or, “How y’all make things LAST so long?” Or, “How you balance ball and being a DAD?” One time I remember he made a joke to me, after I retired, where he was like, “Man, A.J., I want to be just like you someday. Retired, married, kids……. matter of fact, I’ll even play GOLF.” But there was something about the way he said it, where even though he meant it as a joke, his voice had this tone of like — he’s speaking about something that’s unrealistic for him. And so I laughed at the joke, but then I also almost had to scold him a bit in that moment. I said, “Bro……. You know you can have that, right?” He was like, “Yeah, I know.” And I guess it doesn’t matter now. But I still hope he knew.

15. 

I’ll say the most obvious thing right now: I’m not an expert on mental health. I’m a former football player, and I’m writing this as Rondale’s former teammate, and — more importantly — his friend. So please have that in mind when I tell you, in my opinion, Rondale wasn’t planning on any of this. To me? He was just a kid. And he was a kid who was struggling a lot with the idea of losing his identity as a football player. It’s two major injuries … two long rehabs … two seasons away from being part of a locker room … two years of not knowing if he’s ever gonna have more NFL checks coming through. So you add that all up, and it probably doesn’t take an expert to think there’s a good chance Rondale was depressed. But I could also see encouraging signs. Like — he was talking about the future. He wasn’t just on one of these downward spirals. If anything, he seemed to be slowly pointing back in an upward direction. The thing is, though, that upward direction……. It’s not a straight line. There’s gonna be dips. And when those dips come, for whatever reason, you need to be able to manage them in time before your shit hits the bottom. 

So like I said: I know I’m just a former player. I’m no expert. But to me there’s a lot that could still be improved in the NFL, as far as how the league is helping its players with their mental health. And one way I would start is by making it mandatory, if you have a major injury, that you see an independent mental health counselor as part of your rehab. And by also making it mandatory, if you have a second major injury, that you see an independent mental health counselor for an extended period of time, even after your rehab. And the reason I say this — it’s because I’m not an expert. You know what I’m saying? Like, Rondale, he had a support system. He wasn’t alone. He had friends who loved him, family who loved him. But those relationships can be complicated. And while those people can give you love and support … what they can’t give you is professional help, and what they can’t do is equip you with tools so that, if you ever do have a mental health crisis, or even just a really bad day, you know how to handle it. And you don’t go and do something you can never undo. 

In my opinion, if Rondale’d had those tools, he might still be alive today. And I want to make sure we’re never saying that again about a young NFL player. Because I keep coming back to this one part about it — and it may be the part that’s most heartbreaking to me: Rondale was 25, man. He was so damn young. He really was just a kid.

16. 

And then there’s one more thing I want to say about mental health in the NFL — and I hope that everyone who needs to read this is reading it. All the rules … all the initiatives … all the public statements about awareness … none of that means anything if the people who are making the football decisions, in private, are viewing mental health issues how I feel like a lot of times they still get viewed: as a red flag. That’s the truth. No one in any front office will ever say it out loud. No scout is ever gonna put it in a scouting report. But that’s how it’s viewed in this league by a lot of people. 

And as long as that’s the case? Stories like Rondale’s will probably keep happening. Because it means we’re telling players that having a mental health issue is gonna fuck with their money. And if we’re telling players that, then we’re creating an incentive for them to lie about their mental health. And if players lie about their mental health, then they’re going to feel shame about their mental health. And they’re not going to get the help they need — and whatever issues they’re facing are not going to get better, and are probably going to get worse. So that’s one of the big reasons I want people to read this. I want to celebrate Rondale’s life……… but I also want to make sure we’re having the realest conversation possible about his death. And the way I see it, while Rondale didn’t necessarily die because of NFL culture — NFL culture also didn’t do him no favors. It didn’t HELP him. And I just hope we can get to a place where, for the next young player going through a mental health crisis, it actually does help him. Or it even saves him.

17. 

It’s hard to know how to end an article like this……….. and I guess in some ways, to be honest with you, I don’t want it to end. I just hate thinking about how everything with Rondale now, it’s an end of something. It’s final. They allowed me to pick out the tie for him to wear at his funeral, and I was thinking a similar thing while doing that. It’s like — How do you pick out someone’s very last thing they’re gonna wear??? And then I was also thinking about how, man…. This isn’t right. It just ain’t how it’s supposed to be. I should be helping him with his wedding tie in a few years, not his funeral tie right now. Rondale loved Louis Vuitton, though, so I settled on this all-black “skylight” Louis tie, where it had these stars in the night sky printed on it. I kind of liked that idea — and in my head I was feeling like, OK, well maybe that’s Rondale. He’s one of those stars in that sky.

Maybe that was his life. 

He didn’t live out all his NFL dreams. He didn’t live to be a husband, or a dad, or an old head. But he still was so loved and cared for, by so many people. And he still left his mark — on the game of football, and on the world. In the end….…. I feel like some of us for some reason were probably always meant to be that way: these stars that just shoot by real fast. And Rondale was one of them from day one, you know?? Fast and quick. Tiny and strong. The smartest kid I ever met. My third and oldest son. Rest in peace, Rondale Moore. We love you very, very much.