A Letter to My Kids

Dear Honey Buns, CJ, Kaden, and Lee,

Y’all remember that road trip we took last year? It was during spring break, in March. Around the time of Honey’s play, where all the kids were dressed like farm animals. We were on the road, and I’ll never forget this one moment: I picked up my water bottle that I always had on me, then I turned and said to Brittany, “Hey, this bottle? It’s feeling kinda heavy.” Every time I lifted it up, it felt like I needed to set it back down. She picked it up and was like, “I mean, it’s got a little weight to it, but it’s not heavy.”

That wasn’t the first time something had seemed off with my right hand. Before we left, it had been feeling … not weak exactly, but strained, is how I’d describe it, like I’d lifted Honey Buns up onto my shoulders one too many times. But it had been a couple weeks, so I was surprised it was still acting up on the trip.

I definitely wanted to figure out what was going on, but I also didn’t think it was anything serious. Britt was getting pretty scared, though, so we decided that I should probably meet with a neurologist. After having a hard time trying to get an appointment, I eventually called Dr. Elrod, my team doctor from when I played for the Titans. And he knew a doctor who could do a nerve conduction study right away. So I flew out to Nashville, and they did the test. At the end of it, they handed me a sheet of paper, and crazy enough.… They told your dad to go see another doctor, without saying all that much besides, “It could be serious.”

It wasn’t until later that day, sitting at my gate at the airport, that I realized how serious it could be. I’m on the phone with Britt, telling her how the appointment went, and she asks me to take a picture of the paper and text it to her. I didn’t even notice it at first, but we realized that at the top of the page it said “Possible Anterior Horn Cell Disease.” Now obviously, your dad is thinking, Huh?? I have no idea what that is. So we both start Googling. And we find out that it’s basically what doctors call this category of diseases that affect your spine, where your body slowly stops working. And one of those diseases is ALS.

I got on the plane and flew back home to you guys in Orlando, and I took a car straight to Honey Buns’ school. That was the night of the play. The timing of it all was crazy. In my head I was so scared, but at the same time I still had to be your dad. When I saw Britt, we just kind of looked at each other. We took pictures that night, and looking back at them, you can just see the fear in both our eyes. I’ll never forget sitting next to her in the auditorium just thinking about the unknown while Honey Buns was up on the stage.

---

---

Y’all kids have seen the YouTube highlights, so y’all know full well, for most of my life my body was my career. My speed was what people knew me for. I grew up in my grandmother’s house in Mercy Drive, here in Orlando. It was me, my parents, my great-grandmother, my grandmother, my three older brothers, and two older cousins, all under one roof. You’ve heard all the crazy stories by now, so you know what it was: loud, competitive, and just a whole lotta love. Kinda like our house is now. Back in those days, football was just what we did, how we lived. We played in the streets, empty lots, wherever we could find space.

Man, your dad got football memories for days…. 

Hearing my name called by the Titans on draft day was one of the greatest moments of my life, something I’d dreamed about for as long as I could remember. And I ended up really vibing with Nashville. I loved the people, the fans, and the culture. (And I definitely loved signing that big extension, lol.) Tennessee became home. Something about me, I always felt like I was an underdog since I was a kid. But you know how I’m always telling you guys to believe in yourselves? To bet on yourselves? Well, that’s exactly what I did back then. I took my chance at the combine and made myself undeniable. Went from struggling to changing my peoples’ lives.

God blessed your dad with 10 years in the NFL. A career, you know what I’m saying? That’s rare. When I came into the league, I wanted to be a superstar, like MJ or Kobe. My second season, in 2009, you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t. Man, what?? Week 17, breaking the yards from scrimmage record against Seattle is something I’ll never forget. That season I really felt like I was becoming the player I always dreamed I’d be. Winning Offensive Player of the Year and rushing for over 2,000 yards, that meant something to me. It wasn’t just about the numbers either…… It was proof. Proof that all the work I put in and the sacrifices my family made was worth it. Proof I was who I thought I was. Proof I made it out.

The thing about an NFL career, though, is that things can get complicated. It’s like I always tell y’all kids, nothing comes easy. And there’s a lot of different ways this game can break your heart. For one, the injuries. That was tough. Also, sometimes football reminds you it’s a business, and I had plenty of those moments. Still, I look back at it all with nothing but gratitude for the opportunity to have played this game at the highest level for 10 years. And I was ME all the way. Your dad was always just CJ. Straight up. Gold teeth and all. From draft night to the very last snap. So I wouldn’t trade that journey for anything. Football gave your dad a platform. And now, I’m in a position to use it in a way I never expected.

---

---

How can a man just be perfectly healthy one day, running around with his kids in the yard, and then the next, your hand starts getting weak, and it just travels throughout your whole body until you can’t talk anymore? 

Man, I’ve asked myself that question like a million times, and I still don’t have an answer. 

In the beginning, it was honestly just denial. I kept hoping it was something else. A pinched nerve, anything. I was in full denial. Just like, Nah. This ain’t happening to me. In the  check-ups I do for the clinical trials I’m in, they’re always asking, “How have things progressed?” And most of the time I tell them, “Everything’s about the same.” And when you’re living in it, that’s how it feels, right? You kinda put a wall up to the changes. You don’t see them until it’s in your face. Losing the ability to talk happened like that for me. For a while, you guys were the only ones who understood me. People would come over, and y’all were like my lil translators. Then one morning, no one could understand me anymore.

From there, deciding what to share and when to share it with you kids has been one of the hardest things about navigating all this. First we told Lee — with you being older and in college it was a bit easier. And we actually spoke with some therapists about what would be the best way to go about telling the twins and Honey, because I was afraid of what might happen if y’all looked it up on your own and saw “2 to 5 years.” Ultimately, we ended up explaining that Dad has a disease that’s making his muscles weaker, but it isn’t something you caused, and it isn’t something you can catch. That was one of the toughest conversations I ever had. Like any kids, your main thing was, “Are you going to get better?” And I’m not gonna lie … that almost broke me. I wanted so bad to promise you all that everything would be OK. I wanted to be honest with you, while still giving you hope.

Telling the world was a whole other story.

A lot of people choose to keep their journey with ALS private, and it’s not hard for me to understand why. I kept this to myself for a long time. Just being real, I carried a lot of shame behind it. When your whole life has been based off what your body could do, and then your body fails you, you know? It’s just..…. hard. It’s hard putting yourself out there like that. Even leading up to going on Good Morning America, I was kind of going back and forth like, Am I going to do it, am I not going to do it? I didn’t know if I was ready to present myself like this. After seeing the response, having folks reaching out to me, and seeing my friends and old teammates bringing back the Ice Bucket Challenge, it made me kinda regret that I didn’t let everyone know sooner. But I don’t know if it would have had the same impact. People wouldn’t have fully seen what this disease can do, and how quickly it can do it.

Almost every part of my life has changed at this point. You guys see it every day. But there are plenty of things that are still the same, and staying focused on those things is what keeps me grounded. What hasn’t changed is who I am. I’m still a husband. I’m still Dad. I still love y’all more than you could ever imagine. And I’m still that same dude y’all grown up with. You still see me out there on the back porch every evening, chilling by the pool like normal. ALS has forced me to realize that who I am is so much bigger than what my body can do. My value is in the man that I am, the person I wake up and choose to be every day.

I’ve seen a lot of neurologists at this point and been to basically every major ALS clinic in the country, and in my experience, as soon as you say you played football it’s like, “Ahh, OK.” Almost like an understanding, you know? I read one study, and from my understanding, it found that former NFL players were nearly four times as likely to develop and pass away from ALS compared with the U.S. male population overall. That was a shock. And to be clear, your dad’s not an expert, and that’s just one study, and there might be other environmental factors at play. Anybody can get ALS. But obviously, I can’t help but wonder if there’s any connection between my career and where I am now. At the end of the day, though, here’s what I want y’all kids to know. As a youngin’ growing up in Florida, I fell in love with the game of football. It was my dream to hear my name called in the first round of the draft and see my highlights on ESPN on Monday morning. And in the years since completing that journey, it’s been one of the greatest gifts of my life to watch you guys fall in love with this game, too. 

I have this favorite memory I think about all the time, from when I was coaching CJ and Kaden’s football team last year. The sun is shining. It’s hot, I’m sweating. I’m following the boys as they move the ball down the field…. And right next to me, there’s my mini-me, Honey Buns, smiling, stuck to me like glue. You were following me up and down the sidelines the whole way, babygirl, like you were the coach! I love that memory. That’s like my happy place. I guess what I want to say to y’all is that…. Your football journey is yours. Be fearless, be you, and don’t let anyone stand in the way of your dreams. The game is a lot safer now than when I was playing. And hopefully it just keeps on getting safer.

---

---

One thing I love about our lil crew — we strong enough to get through anything. I feel so blessed that I was able to be that type of dad who was going to be in the drop-off line every morning at school, or coaching your football team, or watching your school play. I still remember sitting on the floor and playing with y’all for hours when you were small. All those memories are priceless to me. These days, the moments I just get to spend time with y’all around the house and be a family, those are my very best moments. I cherish them. They mean the world to me. More than you could ever know.

You guys are my biggest reason I keep fighting.

I have a quick story for you about me and Brittany. I met her almost 10 years ago, when you boys were about four. She used to do my cousin’s hair, and my cousin always kept telling us both that we’d be perfect for each other. We finally met, and been locked in ever since. God works in mysterious ways. I think he knew I would need her the way I do right now, and that she’d be the only one for the job. Watching the way she’s fought for me since my diagnosis has made me love and appreciate her more and more each day. She’s my best friend, and I couldn’t do this without her. 

And I couldn’t do it without you guys either. You’ve shown up for me in really big ways, more than any 14-year-olds or 8-year-old should have to. And you too, Lee. Y’all my heroes, forreal. At the same time, though, it’s OK if some days you don’t want to be a hero, and you just want to be a kid.

There’s a lot we still don’t know about this disease. Every day I wake up hoping today is the day they call me with a cure, but the future is a mystery. And honestly, just being real with y’all, there might be some hard days ahead. That’s kinda what I wanted to talk to you kids about. Life is hard sometimes. I’m always sayin’ it, I know. But that’s because it’s the truth. As you continue to grow into the smart, capable people I’m so proud to see y’all becoming, you’re gonna face challenges and run into roadblocks along the way. Everybody does. Sometimes it will even feel like you can’t get through them. But trust me, y’all will. You’ll face mountains you think you can’t climb. Then you’ll climb them. It’s my job as your dad to instill within you the mindset that you can do hard things. You’re prepared. We raised you with all the tools that you’ll need for this life. And I don’t just mean the life you have under our roof. I mean the one you’ll go out and make for yourselves.

Lastly, I got a message for each of y’all.

To Lee: You came into my life when you were 11 years old, and it’s been crazy watching you grow into the man you are today. Time flies — you’re now a junior in college chasing your dream of becoming a doctor, and I’m so proud of you. Keep going after everything you want in life, and keep being an example for your brothers and your sister. As the oldest, you gotta always look after them. Stay close to them, be somebody they can depend on, and make sure that bond between all y’all stays strong, no matter how old you get or where life takes you.

To CJ and Kaden: Always stick together. Be good people, stand on your word, and be dependable to the people who matter the most to you. No matter where life takes you, always have each other’s backs. And always stay close to your sister. I want you to take care of her and protect her. Family is everything.

And Honey Buns: You’re the most beautiful girl in the world, and I love you so much. Follow in your mom’s footsteps. Always keep that confidence you have right now, Twin. Don’t ever lose that. Know who you are, and know your worth. And continue to keep your brothers in line too lol.

All four of y’all, promise me you’ll always stick together. Love each other. Hold each other down. Life is going to change in ways none of us can predict, but don’t ever let it change that.

I believe in you guys. You each have unique talents and skills that you’re gonna share with the world one day. I know it. I have big dreams for you. The same dreams that I think every father dreams about…… watching my kids graduate, walking my daughter down the aisle one day, seeing my boys become men, meeting my grandkids, and growing old with Brittany. And hopefully, God will make a way.

I’ll always love y’all. That’s never going away no matter what. You hear me?

Y’all are my biggest blessing. And right now, you know what part of that blessing I’m appreciating the most? I love that you still joke on me and mess with me, and laugh and smile and just act like everything is completely normal. Like everything’s gonna be OK. It’s crazy, in those small moments, I can forget everything else that’s going on, because I swear it’s like you don’t even see ALS. 

You just see me.

Love y’all,

Dad