Who Do You Want to Be, Pete?

I feel like I’ve been f***in’ searching for something lately.

I don’t know exactly what it is. I’ve been grinding, dude. I feel like the batting cage is my second home right now. I can hear the crack of the bat and the ball hitting the net in my sleep. I love the process. I do. It’s such a f***in’ cool thing to me — to be able to just get lost in the work. It’s humbling. It keeps me right in the moment. But the last few months, dude, it just feels like Groundhog Day. I haven’t been at my best, I know that. And it weighs on me. I can’t lie about that. And I just get thinking like, If I’m not me in the batter’s box … then who am I?

That’s the question, man.

Who am I?

I’ve been looking for the answer.

I found myself searching on YouTube a few weeks ago on the road.

And there it was.

2016 WORLD SERIES GAME 7 HIGHLIGHTS

F*** it. Time to lock in again.

Man, it hits every time.

To be a Cub now, to see firsthand how much that year meant to Chicago, it’s really incredible. I feel super lucky. And watching back, what stood out to me was how bought-in each and every single one of those guys was. They were one. All pointed in the same direction, trying to get it over the line. I was just inspired, dude. Simple as that. It was a reminder of what’s possible, of why you play the f***in’ game.

I just want to be the best Cub I can be.

And how do I do that when I’m not being the ballplayer I need to be?

I’m workin’ on that. I promise.

Because I know what it means to wear this jersey. I know the responsibility that comes with it. I have for a long time.

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Growing up in L.A., my dad gave me a couple of rules.

1) I couldn’t root for the Dodgers.

2) I couldn’t root for the Cardinals.

He’s from Naperville, just outside Chicago. He didn’t force me to be a Cubs fan, but let’s just say it was heavily encouraged. When I was a kid, maybe seven or eight, I’d bust open my parents’ door first thing in the morning and start jumping on the bed, Let’s go throw the ball!! Dad!!! Get UP!! Let’s go!!! They’d stick me in front of the TV while they got their day started. And I’d watch the same thing almost every morning: Kerry Wood’s 20-strikeout game. Dad must have recorded a re-run of it or something, I don’t know. But it was always on the TV, ready to be replayed whenever I wanted.

I’ve got something to admit though, I was a bit of a s*** growing up. Dad is a big Bears guy, and like I said, I was just this little rascal. So my guys were Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews. I’m sorry about that. I am. It’s not that I didn’t love Matt Forte or Brian Urlacher or Peanut Tillman — I just loved giving my dad a hard time. So I’d run around the house laughing every time Rodgers dropped a dime at Soldier Field. But baseball was different for me. I didn’t really have a team. I had my dudes. Soriano, Jeter, Damon, Derek Lee, Matt Kemp, Jim Edmonds. Cutch a bit later. My guys. And you remember that board game, All Star Baseball? I loved that s***. That was my jam.

I’m not just yapping about all this for no reason. I know you’re reading this like, Pete, quit talkin’, bro, and start hitting. I hear you. I’m thinking the same thing. But I’ve also been thinking about being a kid again. Because as I’ve been trying to figure this all out, I was talking to my mom. She always reminds me I’m just 23. 

And I’m like, But mom, I’m a mature 23. 

And she goes, Still 23, Pete. You don’t need to have all the answers right now. 

I know she’s right, even if I don’t want to hear it all the time.

So what does it mean to be 23?

I think it means having fun. I’ve lost some of that in the second half of this year. And I think it’s sort of like a chicken-or-egg thing. Am I not having fun because I’m not hitting, or am I not hitting because I’m not having fun? I know, right now, the work isn’t paying off for me. I’ve been talking to Nico about that a lot lately. He’s the most methodical, hardest working guy I’ve ever been around. And he’s locked the f*** in. Always. He steps into the box with this fierceness about him. I think we both have that. I love this game more than anything. I want to be great more than anything. I mean that s***. But I think what Nico has, that I don’t yet, is the ability to ride the lows, to stay cool and calm, and trust the work, even when it’s not paying off.

I’m working through all this because I don’t want to be in this spot any longer. I think if I can be the Pete who loves this game with all his heart, who is there for the guys in the clubhouse, who can get up and be a voice in the dugout even when he’s 0-for-whatever, that Pete will find a way to step into the box and get a result.

It’s easy on paper, man.

But I just need you guys to know: I’m going to get there. 

And I couldn’t be more excited for the playoffs to start. I feel like I was made for fall baseball. Do you remember what Rizzo hit in September of 2016? I don’t. I remember Dex spinning around first, I remember the delay, I remember Rizzo putting the ball in his back pocket. That’s the s*** that matters. I know you can’t get there without the 162 that came before, I get that. But right now, this fall — this is where I’m meant to be.

And, man, when Rizzo came back this summer … seeing the love he got. It’s almost intimidating in a way. Like, he did it. Those guys did it. And we’re trying to do it. But it was also so damn motivating. He means so much to Chicago. He’s immortal. How can you not see that and let it drive you?

I keep talking about 2016 because it means so many different things to me.

Maybe two or three years before, my dad came to me with an ultimatum. He’s an absolute baseball nerd. Big analytics and prospects guy. I was only 11 or 12 and he sat me down and was like, Look, if you’re going to pick a team, now is your last chance to pick the Cubs. We’ve got a bunch of kids coming up soon. Báez, Contreras, Bryant, Russell, Almora. We’re going to be good. Now is your chance.

I was like, Alright, alright. Fine. Go, Cubs, go.

I remember looking up “Javy Báez Highlights” that night on YouTube. And …….. Man, that s*** was electric. I mean, he was sick. Then he got called up and I was hooked. They let him play, and they let him be him. He was my favorite player for a while, no doubt. 

My dad and I watched Game 7 together, just the two of us. Felt like it went on for three days. I remember him jumping up and down and crying. I don’t think I fully got it in the moment, you know? I was like, Dad, don’t be weird … stop crying. But I’m sure almost every Cub fan of a certain age had tears in their eyes that night. And now, a bit older, I get it.

Five years later, I got traded for Javy.

I can’t lie, when I first got the news, my heart was racing. I was injured, and I felt like I was a long way from making it to the show. When I heard I was being moved, I thought maybe I was being given up on. But then I saw it was for Javy and it calmed me down, in a way. It made me feel like the Cubs believed in me. That they really wanted me. It’s funny, man. I was on my way to lunch that day with my parents and my agent. And my dad played it cool. He was just talking about the opportunity and all that. That’s my mom rubbing off on him. She’s cool like that. But she talks about that day now and she’s like, When your dad found out … he had a MOMENT.

His son was a Cub. Pretty cool.

I remember getting called up in September 2023, and it’s one of the best days of my life, no doubt about it. Just an incredible moment for me and my family. But then I blinked and a few weeks later the season was over. I was 0 for 14 and felt like s***. I know what it’s like to be out in the wilderness a bit, to feel far away from it. I worked through that and I got my a** back up here to Chicago. I know how to fight, to grind.

I know those are just words though. Words don’t get on base in October. Words don’t gun a guy down at the plate. Words don’t get a ring. It takes a team. And we have a great one. 

I feel lucky to walk into this clubhouse every day. Counse does an amazing job keeping us where we need to be. He sets a great tone. This is a special group — and the thing about your teammates, it’s like, there’s no escaping these guys. You’re with ’em 24/7 all summer. And I feel so f***ing thankful we’ve got good dudes on this team. Guys who want the ball. This team has my back. Spending time with them has been a pleasure. Really.

That’s why I feel confident it’s coming. I got real good guys in my corner. Sometimes I’m too hard on myself. I know that. But I just wanted to keep it real with you, Chicago. I believe in myself, I believe in this group.

So, yeah, maybe I don’t know who I want to be right now. I think my mom was right, I’m 23. I’ve got to give myself some grace. Stop trying to force it. Accept how I don’t have all the answers — I think it’s OK to do that.

And I think that when the time comes, when those big moments come, you’re going to see the real ballplayer I am. And you’re going to see the type of Cub I want to be.

—Pete